Black Guilt
by ChoCedric
Summary: He knows the dementors are only there because of him, and he knows Harry is only experiencing his worst memories because of him. How does Sirius feel when he sees Harry fall off his broom at the Quidditch match in his third year?


Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

Black Guilt

By: ChoCedric

Sirius Black feels a tumult of emotions as he watches, in dog form, as his beloved godson Harry Potter soars above the sky at his Quidditch match. It is almost too painful to watch him, the boy with James's face and Lily's precious emerald eyes shining out at everyone. He remembers James, the carefree, wild youth who was always flying, talking about how good it felt. He realizes that Harry has the same look on his face as James did, and it hurts. He feels a stab of sadness shoot through him, and unbelievable, crushing guilt, for Harry would know the happiness of flying with his father if it weren't for Sirius.

He looks at all the faces around him, and so many people look so unbelievably familiar. There is Dumbledore, sitting out there, and Sirius has to admit that he feels a little bitterness and resentment towards him. Why didn't the old Headmaster at least pay him a visit in Azkaban, demanding to know why? He would have told him the truth! It's because he's a Black, he has always known it was only because of that that no one bothered to give him a trial; they simply thought he was as deranged as the rest of his sick, twisted, disgusting family.

He also sees Professor McGonagall, and old memories of her reprimanding him flash through his mind as he thinks back to those old times when nothing in the world concerned him except getting caught pulling pranks. He sees red, Weasley hair in the crowd, and he remembers running into Bill Weasley once in the years between Hogwarts and Azkaban and having a pleasant conversation with him. He wishes he could feel on top of the world like that again, laughing and smiling and not worrying about dementors and not seeing James and Lily's lifeless eyes in his mind.

Then, suddenly, dementors come out onto the field. No! Sirius thinks in horror. He has the incredible urge to do something rash, to burst back into his human form and yell for someone to get them off. He sees how Harry is wobbling on his broom, and guilt like none he has ever felt before consumes him. Oh, Harry, pup, what are you hearing? he thinks desperately. Horror grips him as Harry loses balance, and begins to fall.

"ARRESTO MOMENTUM!" Albus Dumbledore shouts, and Sirius sees Harry gently float to the ground. But his eyes are closed, and he knows the boy has lost consciousness. James and Lily's deaths must have been horrific, he thinks to himself, and he puts his tail between his legs, shaking all over. He feels the agony of more black guilt slice through him, and besides the day of James and Lily's death, it is the worst he has ever felt in his life, for the dementors are only there because of him, and Harry only experienced his worst memories because of him.

Peter! The rat enters his mind then, and Sirius feels an overwhelming anger. It is a good thing that he has made friends with that cat, for he has been able to communicate with it that Peter is what he wants. The cat knows that he is no dog, that there is much more to him than that. I will get Peter, he thinks fiercely. And I will make him pay for all the misery he's caused.

The least I can do, he thinks a few days later, is buy Harry a new broom. He saw it crash into the Whomping Willow, and he knows Harry must be feeling pretty miserable about it. So he does what he can and orders his godson a Firebolt.

As the rest of the year passes, Sirius does nothing but watch Harry out of the corner of his eye. He tries to be as invisible as he possibly can, but he drinks as much in of his godson as he dares. After all, he hasn't seen him since he was a baby, and he once again feels guilt crash over him as he realizes that he's missed so many years, so many Christmases, so many birthdays, so many wonderful moments of him growing up. The entire time, a picture of a loathsome little rat permeates his mind, and he vows to himself that he will catch him and kill him, even if it's the last thing he does.

When it's time for the Quidditch final, Sirius watches as Harry flies his new Firebolt. It is amazing to watch, and if Sirius were a human at this time, tears would have filled his deep gray eyes. He feels overwhelmed with emotion as he watches Harry fly, and for a moment, just a single moment, he pretends James is still alive and that Peter is still a loyal friend. He wonders where Remus is, for he swore he could smell his scent around the castle. But that's impossible, how can Remus be here? he ponders.

He angrily laments the fact that his chance to catch Peter turned into another time the rat eluded him. He faked his own death again, and Merlin, that Weasley boy sure can scream. But he promises himself that before the year is over, Peter Pettigrew, also known as Wormtail, will be as dead as a doornail.

His chance comes when he sees Harry, the Weasley boy, and a bushy-haired girl leaving Hagrid's cabin, and Pettigrew is right there with them. Sirius knows it's his time to pounce, and he needs the boy to know that he is innocent. It is a desperate, unshakeable need, but he knows the guilt of what he has done will always stay with him. He will also never be able to get the image of Harry falling off his broom out of his mind, the stricken look of horror etched across James's handsome features. But he knows that now is his chance to finally do right by him, and as he pounces and drags the Weasley boy into the Whomping Willow, adrenaline coursing through him, he knows that the truth can set you free.


End file.
